I never knew freedom could be such a relief

[awakening_dreams]

I'm done with it. I told the mods what they needed to know, I sent them the specific rp harassment log, and I'm done. I am going to eat, enjoy the fact that I can apparently eat now (wow, unexpected source of my constant nausea and inability to touch food without getting really ill or tossing it up) Rin's making allegations to two players at milliways_bar  about me having apparently harassed, abused, and raped her - what even - but I told the mods about that too and anyone who knows me even slightly will know that isn't true.

Apparently someone got themselves storebought cake and she made herself some, but I know that when she burns water she still uses it, so she'll just feel physically bad from all of this. XD;

Really, the only reason this hit so hard is she was one of the ones that taught me how to trust people. A feature of my OCD had been an actual phobia of trust, and while wonderful people had been working on that for years, she nailed it quickly. But I won't let her ruin it. I will trust my friends to be my friends and anyone I date to be who they are, too. I will trust myself to take better care of myself, to talk about this openly in therapy, and write a post about it in detail if I need to - with Pat's permission. She made me feel disgusting, used, and incapable of normal society. I can see now that these were just ploys to keep me where she wanted me. In later times, she admitted to having sabotaged multiple friendships or relationships of mine (one specifically would be when samarecarm  was my girlfriend) so that she could keep me to herself. Why I didn't leave sooner will be a mystery to me until I sort it out in therapy. Why Pat didn't - because I have gotten him therapy, and I am proud of us for biting the bullet on that one - will be something he sorts out in therapy.

I will also trust myself to look something over if friends are so adament about me doing so, and to act on bad feelings, not explain them away. In the end, it is all trust, and while she took a lot of things away from us for 24 hours, she won't manage it any longer. She is so off in the head that she said that because Pat and I are so close as siblings, we should just date each other. I can't even begin to approach that one.

In not just the last 24 hours (and the fact she apparently doesn't know how old I am cemented this) but the last two years, she took a lot of things away from me. I refuse to let her or anyone else do this to me any longer. I won't look at the time lost, but rather, what it will teach me for the future. I'm only sorry that Rinna got caught in the middle of it - she never, ever deserved that, and I'll never be able to make it up to her that I wasn't mentally strong enough to protect her. I hope that someday, someone can.give her what she needs in life.

We will recuperate and be glad for my true friends and family, as has been shown with all the help I've received in the past 24 hours. I thank all of you and love you very much.

Amber (as I will never respect her enough to use a nickname for her, never again) is gone, and Pat and I are so much better for it.

Comments

[flippiefloppiez.livejournal.com]

No skin off your teeth, eh? What she does shouldn't effect you anymore, and I'm glad. She's gone. The one who's toxic is her, not you.

[nepheliad.livejournal.com]

Rin's making allegations to two players at [info]milliways_bar about me having apparently harassed, abused, and raped her - what even - but I told the mods about that too and anyone who knows me even slightly will know that isn't true.

Last I checked you and Camwyn talked regularly and were friends, and I think she's still a mod (I haven't paid attention to Milliways since 2006, uh) so ... yeah, they should really know better even if they don't really know you.

She is so off in the head that she said that because Pat and I are so close as siblings, we should just date each other. I can't even begin to approach that one.

And I really, REALLY don't know what to say to that. 1. incest, 2. same body so how does that even actually work, 3. ... no I don't even.

[badninja.livejournal.com]

Yeah, Cam was pretty ".....the fuck?" in her own way when I told her about it. She's still a mod and most people know OF me, even if they don't know me, so it's really not going to fly. The benefits of social interaction!

It can work in the same body, but it is not happening in this case. Some people are that close. How is it wrong? If we were twins, nothing would be said. It just, well, it happens like that sometimes. I adore my whole family, outer and inner, blood related or not.

I'm finding from all of this that I actually moved on long ago, but I wasn't aware of it. Right now is for the present and for the future. I'm trying to get into an IESAbroad program for 2011 summer, possibly 2012. I know what I want to do with my life, if not where to apply it. (which, is this sex in a keytar or what? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjY_wBWQJIs&playnext_from=TL&videos=9d_RdwNbAgc) i want one so bad, but a thousand dollars - that's a college graduation thing, so not now.) I am friends with a girl whom I think is adorable and our respective siblings keep trying to matchmake us, sjg.

I'm getting my health and psychological issues treated - and I'm actually going to a trauma center soon where I know I will have to be completely and utterly honest about everything and that they will treat Patrick too. We're as ready as one can be for that, prepared anyway, and aware Cass and Henry might need a little help too.

I was told I am using my BPD as an excuse to hide from the world. From where I'm standing, I'm doing just fine.